The Shning

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Joke #9

January 8 2005

A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," he said "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

He replied, "The drugs are wearing off!" person

Joke #8

December 23 2004

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit. person

Joke #7

December 7 2004

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed And the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably Wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted. person

Joke #6

October 2 2004

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck:

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while,they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and whispered in her ear.......................

"You wouldn't mind taking the dog for a walk would you?"



Joke #5

October 1 2004

what's grey, takes the piss, and sits in the corner?
a dialasis machine.

(please laugh)


Jokes #2, 3, 4

October 1 2004

1: what's the difference between banana-man and superman?
One's a fruit and one's a vegetable.

2: what smokes and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawkings in a house fire.

3: What's black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

(please laugh)

Mr Grinch

Joke #1

October 1 2004

How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

(please laugh)